Change is in the air...



me and my sweet Sara last summer

Sara last December-snow day



There is change on its way, I feel it moving in my soul, stirring, calling me into it.

I watch the weather, it's 74 degrees today, predicted to be in the 30's tomorrow-change. I see my sweet one year old, Kate, learning all sorts of new behaviors each day-change. I see my five year old growing into a young lady, not the baby I still see when I look in her eyes-change. I feel my heart being pulled in by my God, beckoning on a new journey with Him, calling me unto Himself-change.

I used to think change was hard, and it is, it can be. I used to think I was so against change-just leave life the same and I'll be able to make it without problem. Neither is that true, or reality. Change is inevitable, even when you try to keep things the same-they change. People change, hearts change, lives change. We have to learn to adjust, be flexible, see God's orchestrating hand in it all-guiding, wooing, calling us to new levels of relationship.

My heart is full of the hope of change right now. Of trusting. Of relying. Of letting go..and giving the wheel back to God, where it belongs. I don't know where He's leading me. But HE is leading- it is most definitely for my best. I can't wait to see where this journey takes me.

Struggles

I have a confession to make....I keep waiting to find the "right" post to really get my new blog started. I keep telling myself that once I get that perfect "jump start" post I'll be off to writing regularly. Well, I can't come up with that post. I wanted it to be catchy, unique, creative. But what's stirring on my heart is none of those.

I keep thinking about struggles. The things that each of us face each day. Sometimes they are obvious to the world, others of our struggles are private and no one notices the fight we put into them each day, but we all have them. Struggles are hard, they are trying, but lately I've been coming to a new level of appreciation for my struggles...they drive me closer in my relationship with Jesus. They remind me I am utterly desperate for Him to give me the strength to fight through them each day.

If you've read my old blog in the past, you'll know I have struggled/still struggle with an eating disorder. It has been 15 years that I have fought anorexia and bulimia. I've had victorious seasons and I've had awful and dark seasons where there was no victory in sight. I still fight it. HARD. Every day. Every thought. Every bite. BUT, in my struggle I have learned to lean into Jesus. To beg for His strength to carry me through each minute, each bite. I desperately want to be completely victorious over this one day. I want to look back and see God's hand and His plan in all of it. I want to NOT be struggling with this in my 30's (I turned 29 in December.)  I want to set a good example for my precious girls who I know watch my every move. I'm looking for victory. Trying to figure out how to fight this battle, again.

So, here is my opening post. I'm Jackie. I'm flawed. I have real struggles. BUT..I have a real Jesus, bigger than me, bigger than my struggles. He provides me the strength, He beckons me to His side. He carries me.

Not sure where the next post will go, but I got this one out there....surely the next one will be easier :)

-Jackie

Finding "me"

Have you ever felt like you are just wondering along, day after day, trying to find your way?

My life has changed so much in the past few years, not bad things, just changes and I feel like I'm always in the process of becoming "me." How am I? What does that even mean. Lately I'm thinking, becoming me may be a paradox in my mind. If at some point I don't just accept "me" as I am, where I am...I may be searching forever. I know who I am in Christ- I know the truths of who He says I am. I know it in my head, I'm trying to feel it in my heart and to my bones.

I start a new semester of Bible study tomorrow, I think I'm going in with a new mindset- a new perspective. I am me, I'm Jackie...flawed, confused, but me. I'm not going to fake it anymore. My pastor said on Sunday that he hates fake people and it really hit me. I'm not fake, but I certainly put on the "I'm fine" face and go forward. So my new challenge to myself is to be real, at whatever cost, be real and allow people into my heart and into my challenges with me. What's the worst that could happen...they ignore me? No loss there. I need community (that's a post for another day) I need accountability and I need to be real. So...tomorrow is a new day, new Bible study and a new challenge to myself.

this is me...

Hi, my name is Jackie...I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend. I'm me-that's a loaded statement.

I have two beautiful little girls...Sara is five and started Kindergarten this year and Kate turned one in November. They are my joy. I love them dearly and love watching them grow into their personalities that are so vibrant and so unique from one another.

I love God with all my heart. He is my heart. My life. My breath.

I was a special education teacher for 5 years and am now staying home to raise my two girls.

I love to decorate, shop antique stores and thrift stores for fun things to re-create. I adore the color blue, strong coffee (well ANY coffee) and a good book while cuddled under my blanket that my best-friend made me for my birthday.

I used to blog regularly. I stopped. For almost 3 years. Not sure exactly why, but I've had the desire in my heart for awhile to start another. We'll see how it goes. So, here's me and here's my thoughts on life, God, motherhood and the in-betweens.